


Close, but not quite so.

by StyrofoamSlashPlans



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Death, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mourning, Sad, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:01:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24844990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StyrofoamSlashPlans/pseuds/StyrofoamSlashPlans
Summary: Eddie was brave. Braver than anyone Richie knew, and there's no way someone as strong as him could die like this.Or: Eddie's death, from Richie's view. Also, Richie thinks Eddie kissed him.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Close, but not quite so.

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for: Death, Loss, Mourning, Graphic injury description
> 
> Please let me know if I need to add any more!

He hadn’t really been thinking long term, obviously. All he knew was that the giant spider-clown- _ thing _ had Mike, and he needed to change that quickly. He’d already lost one close friend and he wasn’t about to just stand by while he lost another. 

Of course he sort of, vaguely had a plan. It was supposed to be a hit and run; Throw the rock, get it’s attention, and get the  _ fuck _ out of the way. But then he just had to open his mouth, because  _ of course _ he did. 

Maybe it wasn’t so bad, the thing did end up dropping Mike to the ground, which is a plus, sort of. 

But when it turned towards him instead, his entire body froze up, except for his  _ fucking mouth _ of course, because he’s Richie. 

All sense of accomplishment was quickly thrown to the wind when he called the giant, murderous, space clown a ‘sloppy bitch’, so he might as well just keep going. 

Running on nothing but pure fear and adrenaline, he looked into its eyes and kept yelling out at it. First he saw anger, then, all at once, everything morphed. 

He didn’t have time to even stop talking before it happened, the thing's face split open and Richie’s first thought was  _ ‘So this is the end, well it was a good run anyway. Maybe if I’m lucky they’ll throw me a fun funeral.’ _

But then his vision bloomed with bright light and everything went still at once. There was no longer the yelling of the group, or the gurgled, demonic noises coming from the clown, just shattering silence. 

At first, it was white hot, his whole body burned with energy and his head felt as if it was close to exploding, after what felt like hours, the sensations died down and he was left with almost as overwhelming numbness. He couldn’t feel his feet touching the ground, or the coolness of the cavern air, there was just an air of nothingness around him.

He tries to open his eyes,  _ though he doesn’t remember closing them _ , but his eyelids feel more heavy in that moment than at any other point in his life. He felt trapped in his own skin, his own face, he couldn’t move or think clearly, everything was clouded in a layer of tiredness and relaxation that he  _ should not _ have been feeling in this moment.

He tried desperately to be scared, to  _ think _ , but the adrenaline from a few seconds ago had been completely washed away.

Then he heard a voice, a rather  _ familiar  _ voice at that. It was foggy and covered at first but the noises started to morph into actual words after a few seconds. He knew who it was without having to look. A voice he’d heard enough in the pst twenty-four hours to make up for it being dormant in his life for twenty-some years. 

“-And they said-... I swear to god Richie, are you even listening to me?”

Then at once all the sensations of the current situation crash around him. He’s now aware of the vague sound of what could be an air conditioner somewhere in the room, aware of the slight pressure on his legs, hinting that he’s standing up, and aware of the fact that his eyes can now open. He could hear, and  _ feel _ now, it was all overwhelming in the moment but he remembers he was on a mission. 

So he snaps his eyes open quickly, looking around for the evil creature, looking for his friends, to make sure they were okay while he was out. But it was much brighter than it was in the cavern when he was first caught in the lights, but much dimmer than the lights themselves. 

When his eyes adjust he’s met with the surprising sight of Eddie staring back at him. Not having the slightest clue what’s going on but assuming it has something to do with the clown he just stares blankly at the other man. 

Richie wasn’t a complete idiot, he could feel the slight haze of artificiality surrounding him, the same way it felt when you get a scare from the clown.

This wasn’t real, at least not all the way.

But what could he do? He was stuck in the trap, he had to find his way out.

“Uh… yes?” He managed to get out after remembering he was asked a question, maybe a rhetorical question, but a question nonetheless. 

Eddie rolls his eyes and lets out a huff, which is honestly a pretty good sign to Richie that he didn’t at least say the worst possible thing. One false move and he could make this whole thing harder for himself.

“You’re impossible.” He said flatly and Richie grinned, he couldn’t help but feel at ease in the new environment, familiar face, familiar dynamic. Their usual banter, Richie could do this. 

The clown was going easy on him, he had to keep his guard up.

“You love it.” He said in retaliation, which led to confusion when Eddie let out a small smile instead of narrowing his eyes or getting even more worked up like Richie would have thought. Eddie never smiled at him like that, not when he knew Richie could see him.

“Absolutely not. Can’t stand it anymore, might have to file for divorce,”  _ Divorce?  _ “Think I can get it done on the grounds that you’re a pain in the ass or is that just wishful thinking?” He didn’t know how to reply, didn’t know what any if this could mean, so he didn’t. He just stared wide-eyed at Eddie, which seems to be a wrong move because then the playful expression on his face shifts to an apologetic one.

Was this it? Was this what the clown was doing? Are they-

“I’m kidding.” Eddie said exasperatedly, but Richie could hear the sincere comfort in his voice.It was a sort of comfort he wasn’t used to hearing a lot, especially from  _ Eddie _ . Most people in his life would compliment him and even say they want to help him but have worse intentions. He was pretty used to it though, and knew when to see the warning signs before it was too late. People don’t benefit from being honest and kind in this world, they benefit by using people. Richie was just one of the people who wasn’t smart enough to do it, but was observant enough to know when it's being done to him.

Eddie though? He could say the worst things to Richie and still make it sound loving and caring. 

One of the many things Richie enjoys about Eddie; he isn’t very good at expressing emotions. Sure, he  _ expressed _ them. But not in the ways Richie knows he must want to. It’s okay though, because again, Richie was  _ observant _ . At least when he wants to be. 

He could say some pretty insensitive stuff at the worst possible time and not even realize it until it’s too late because it's just how he operates. In stressful situations, he doesn’t shut down and freeze up, but he doesn’t exactly work harder or become braver either. He hides from it in a different way, with poorly-timed jokes and stupidly unnecessary remarks. 

But it worked the other way around too. With seemingly lighthearted situations or people, he often noticed little things that could point to a darker mood. He didn’t often act on it, because Richie’s never been much of a  _ brave _ or  _ helpful  _ person, but he notices things.

For instance, he noticed quickly how Eddie was closing his eyes and leaning in closer to Richie. He panicked. This would be where the clown comes out. He would let down his guard and suddenly there would be goo oozing from Eddie’s mouth and he would say something gruesome to Richie, something that would hurt. 

In a split-second, Richie quickly pulled away further, taking a step backwards. 

It surprised him when, instead of morphing into some sort of monster, Eddie froze. 

He then opened his eyes again, staring at Richie questioningly, a hurt expression only on his face for a few seconds before it quickly passed. It pained Richie deeply to see him hurt, even if it was just the clown messing with him.

“Rich… what’s wrong?” Eddie reached his hands up to Richie’s shoulders slowly, but Richie still flinched away, expecting his fingers to break into claws and tear through his throat or something. 

His movement made Eddie quickly pull his hands back, his confused expression turning to one of worry. 

“Richie..?” Eddie seemed like he was being careful, gentle. Richie wasn’t used to be treated like this, because his Eddie wasn’t like this. 

His Eddie was irritable and impatient and  _ not here _ . His Eddie was back in the cavern with Bev, and Mike, and the others. 

Richie shook his head. This had to stop now, the clown never drew it out for this long. 

“No. This isn’t real, this is the fucking clown trying to get me, but i’m  _ ready _ , i’ve been ready so just do it already.” He felt himself starting to panic as he anticipated what the clown might do. But the thing  _ still _ wouldn’t end it.

“Richie-...” Eddie looked shocked, but Richie wasn’t about to be fooled, this was based on fear, and Richie’s  _ scared _ , so why won’t It just end this already and come out. Richie was filled with fear, but also anger. The clown had no boundaries, nothing was too far for it, but it was for Richie. He had a limit and it had been crossed as soon as the clown took up the shape of the only person he’s ever  _ loved. _

“No,” Richie said, his voice raising a little. “I’m done now. This isn’t real and I’m done playing along.” Eddie’s eyes widened and he reached a hand towards Richie’s cheek. 

Without thinking, Richie harshly grabbed Eddie’s wrist, pulling his hand away but not letting go. Eddie seemed shocked and hurt by this. He froze in front of Richie, clearly surprised he would do that, but Richie wasn’t having it. This thing always takes everything, Richie could never have anything to himself, not even his fucking  _ fantasies _ . 

“Stop. I can’t do it anymore. It’s not real, it isn’t. I know it’s not real so it doesn’t  _ work  _ anymore.” He could feel Eddie trying to tug his hand out of Richie’s grasp, but he just clenched his fist around him and shook his head. 

“Just stop already. Just do what you’re going to do and stop drawing it out. I’m sick of this.” He felt Eddie tense up and knew he did it. 

But when he looked at his eyes, he didn’t see the gold irises of the clown looking back at him, he saw  _ fear _ , and he saw tears. And it was  _ Eddie _ , his soft brown eyes instead of the bright yellow. 

“Richie, you’re hurting me.” Richie looked down to his hand, still tightly holding onto Eddie’s wrist. He felt his throat clench and soon felt tears welling in his eyes. 

“ _ Please, this isn’t fair…”  _ It was the only words he could get out before breaking into a sob, dropping Eddie wrist finally and bringing his hands to his own face. 

Eddie’s face was blurred from the tears now running down Richie’s face, but he could still see that Eddie was scared, and that made it  _ so much _ worse. 

He never wanted Eddie to be afraid, especially of him. Even as a kid, Eddie was what he was worried about most, how Eddie was feeling, if Eddie was safe.

That time in neibolt when he found the clown hunched over Eddie, he felt fear flash through him more then than ever, he thought Eddie was  _ dead _ , he thought he was too late. 

But he wasn’t. They saved him and even when the clown had all of them cornered, his main concern was making sure Eddie was okay. 

Old habits die hard because now, seeing Eddie afraid makes him cry even harder, and he collapses to his knees. But as soon as his knees even  _ touched _ the ground, everything went dark. 

It wasn’t as bad as the blinding light from before, but there was still the sense of numbness. 

But unlike before, he was quickly pulled out of it, not only by a voice, but by the rushing pain throughout his body and the feeling of rocks against his back. 

He tried to snap his eyes open but it was much slower, the cavern around him was spinning and he felt dizzy. 

He then saw Eddie, much like before, but this time he was leaning over him, in his dirty clothes and messy hair, Richie knew he was back. 

He vaguely registered Eddie saying something to him, but Richie was quickly brought back to his thoughts with a memory. 

A memory of the deadlights the first time, when they were kids. 

It had terrified him to see Beverly like that, suspended in the air with her eyes rolled back in her head. But it wasn’t that he was focusing on, it was how they were able to get her out of the deadlights. 

Or, how  _ Ben _ was able to get her out of the deadlights. 

Richie looked around himself, seeking out to see who else was near him, but it was just Eddie.  _ Eddie _ . 

Everyone else was too far away to have done it. There was  _ no way _ he had-... But that was the only way they could get Beverly out, it had to have been. 

Eddie had kissed him out of the deadlights. 

Eddie was right there on top of him and he had  _ kissed _ him, just like Ben kissed Bev to wake her up, all those years ago. 

After all those years… Richie wanted to cry. He had spent so  _ long _ thinking about it, dreaming about it, and it just happened.

Eddie had kissed him and he was smiling. Eddie was smiling at him after kissing him, until he wasn’t.

The first thing able to break through the thoughts in his head was the wet, crunching sound of the claw piercing through the man above him. If it had gone just a foot forward, it would have gotten Richie too. 

Richie froze. 

He could hear Eddie gasp out his name in a broken voice, he could feel the hot blood,  _ Eddie’s blood, _ on his face, he could see Eddie slowly look down at his own abdomen, only to be met with a far more gruesome sight than Richie himself had ever seen. 

It looked like something straight out of a gorey horror movie. The sharp talon had pierced through Eddie’s back and then again through the front of his chest on its way out, right where his right lung would be. 

His mouth opened again and blood dripped out, not good. None of this was good. 

  
  


Eddie looked back to Richie and they made eye contact for all of two seconds before Eddie was then ripped away from him. 

As Eddie was being flung through the air like a fucking doll, Richie watched, he  _ watched,  _ and he did nothing. He couldn’t do anything. 

Why Eddie? Why did it have to be him? After all these years, it was him again. Just like so long ago, It had gone after Eddie, targeted him for no other reason than that he was the easiest. 

Only, Richie had been able to save him as a kid, he had enough time to get to him and help him. This time, he wasn’t so lucky. 

He heard screams and cries around him as Eddie was whipped towards a wall, followed by a sickening crunch as he was dropped into a cave on the side of the cavern. 

Richie screamed at himself to get up, begged his muscles to move, and after a while, he did. As soon as he was on his feet he was running and stumbling in the direction that he saw Eddie go. 

His brain stopped working, only being propelled forward by adrenaline and fear, not fear of the clown, that fear was enough to make him freeze up, this fear though? This fear was enough to get him moving. This was the fear of losing Eddie. 

It had always been him and Eddie. As kids, and now, even so many years later, they stuck together, it couldn’t just be Richie, it  _ couldn’t _ . 

When he regained his senses, he could hear the others yelling at Pennywise, fucking  _ insulting him _ . He almost would have found it funny if he wasn’t hunched over Eddie, desperately trying to stop the blood, wincing whenever Eddie flinched in pain at the drag of Richie’s jacket against his exposed insides. 

He was laughing, Eddie was  _ laughing _ , as much as he could with the damage done to his ribcage. 

_ Why? _

There was nothing funny about what was going on, Eddie was in pain, was  _ dying _ . And yet, he was getting into a coughing fit from the wheezes of laughter he got out. 

Richie panicked, seeing Eddie choke on his own blood in such a way, he squeezed Eddie’s arm, trying desperately to get him to stop without hurting him even more. 

_ “-Clown!”  _ He heard one of the losers yell behind him.

And that’s it. That’s all It is. It’s just a clown, and he’s let it take so much from him already, it took a huge chunk of his life away from him, and he will be  _ damned _ if he lets it take Eddie too. 

He grabs onto Eddie's shoulders and looks him in the eyes. They were drooping, but still open, and more importantly, still focused. He was hanging on, he was gonna be okay. 

“Sorry about this, buddy.” He turned away from Eddie, towards where the rest of the losers were bullying Pennywise into submission. 

He thought about it for a few seconds and,  _ no,  _ he wasn’t really afraid right now, not of It at least. Sure, he was scared to lose Eddie, but Eddie was right here. Eddie was in  _ his _ arms, not the clowns. 

When he thought about the clown this time, no fear was present, only sorrow, and white hot anger. It took so much from them for no other reason except that it was easy. It took  _ Stan _ from them, and now it was going to try and take Eddie too. 

“A dumb  _ fucking clown _ !” He felt Eddie flinch in his arms from the volume of his voice, but he also saw the thing shudder from its place with the other losers. 

It looked kind of… 

_ Pathetic. _

After all this time, all this planning and pain that they had put into this,  _ that’s _ what it took? Fucking bullying it? 

It was just lying there, lashing out weakly at the losers as they closed in on it. He felt the rage build up even more, and made a split second decision. 

He took one last look at Eddie. He wasn’t moving, but his eyes were open and he looked content, it was too loud and there was far too much going on for Richie to be able to tell if he was breathing, but he believed he was. 

This was Eddie Kaspbrak. He kicked the motherfucker in the face _as a kid_ because it vomited on him. He stabbed his childhood bully through the chest with the knife that he pulled _out of his own goddamn_ _cheek._

Richie hadn’t been lying, when he told Eddie he was brave. He might not show it a lot, but Eddie was the bravest person Richie knew, the sad part is, Eddie didn’t believe it at all, but he is. He’s braver than Richie could ever hope to be, stronger too.

He’d fought It while substantially injured  _ twice _ in his life, there’s no way this man could  _ die _ that easily.

He  _ couldn’t _ . He had  _ kissed  _ him, after all this time, he had kissed him, Richie wasn’t about to let that go. 

Eddie was alive, and they’d get out of here together and work it all out, Eddie would leave his wife and they’d be happy,  _ together _ . Richie wouldn’t have to hide anymore, he wouldn’t have to be afraid, because he’d have Eddie. 

He smiled down at Eddie before pulling away and sprinting over to Pennywise. Even with the newfound hope in his head, there was an unbelievable amount of anger. This thing had tried to take Eddie from him,  _ twice.  _

He reached down without fear and grabbed its claw,  _ the claw it used to stab Eddie _ . He twisted as he pulled on it as hard as he could, effectively ripping it from the clown’s body. 

He dropped the severed limb to the ground and watched as the clown got even smaller, falling back against the rocks of the cavern as the other losers continued to insult it. 

It was much more satisfying than it should have been to see Mike pull Its heart from Its body. 

Not nearly as satisfying as crushing it in their hands, though. 

They had finally done it. The thing was finally gone, after so long.

Eddie would be so happy.  _ Eddie _ . 

“ _ Eddie.”  _

Richie quickly hopped down from the small structure and rushed over to where his friend was on the ground. 

He was still laying there when Richie reached him, and Richie smiled upon seeing him.  _ Everything was gonna be okay. _

He kneeled down next to him. 

“Hey, we did it. We got him, man.” He spoke softly, scared he would make Eddie flinch again like earlier, but Eddie didn’t flinch at his voice. 

He didn’t move at all. 

Richie reached his hand to Eddie’s face and cupped his cheek, rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone softly. 

His skin was cold. 

His smile slowly fell from his face. 

He heard one of the other losers say something. Richie shook his head, quickly chasing the thought that _ Eddie  _ could be dead, out of his brain. 

“No, he’s hurt, we gotta get him out of here, he’s just hurt.” They  _ had  _ to get him out of here. He needed medical attention, his injuries were bad. 

So, why weren’t any of the other losers moving to help?

“Ben? He’s okay, we gotta get him out of here. Bev?” He looked around at his friends for help, but they all had solemn expressions. 

When none of them moved still, he turned back to Eddie. He still wasn’t moving, he probably passed out, they need to get him help  _ now. _

He heard Bev say his name behind him. He slowly turned to look at her. 

“What?” He said, he sounded pathetic. He saw tears in the woman’s eyes, that’s what scared him. In the little time that he’s known Bev, he never saw her cry. Not like this, with tear making tracks through the grime on her face and her voice becoming shaky. 

“Honey… He’s dead.” No. No, he wasn’t. Eddie can’t just  _ die. _ It can’t be like that. They had always been able to save him, and he could this time too, they  _ had _ to. There was so much they had to talk about after this, after they make it out. 

He turned back to Eddie and pulled him into an embrace. Hot tears started to run down Richie’s face when he felt how cold and stiff Eddie was. 

He held him close even as the other losers started to pull him away. 

Eddie wasn’t dead, and they couldn’t leave him here. 

He cried into Eddie’s shoulder as he heard rocks start to crumble from the cavern walls. The others continued to pull him away from Eddie. 

“We can still help him, guys! We can still help him!” He yelled, even though his through was hurt and constricted from dust and tears. 

He lost his grip on the other man and the others took him away. They started to drag him away as he sobbed and yelled for Eddie.

He could still see him, laying there against the rocks,  _ alone _ . 

This can’t be happening. They can’t be leaving him like this. He isn’t dead. He’s okay. 

he yelled the whole time, sometimes for Eddie, sometimes at the others for leaving him. He cried and begged them to reconsider, begged them to go back for him, but they didn’t. 

Even as they left the neibolt house, he struggled against them, begging to go back in. 

_ Eddie was still in there. _ He told them as much but they still held onto him tightly. They wouldn’t let him go back. 

The house started to collapse and Richie screamed for Eddie, screamed for a love lost before it even got the chance to be found. 

When the dust settled and it was done, Richie fell silent. There was nothing he could do. Eddie was lost. He was lost and alone down there, with no one to keep him warm, no one to keep him  _ safe _ . 

He had become just another dark memory of his loved ones’ pasts, just another human being Pennywise ripped from the world with no remorse. Just another person Derry would forget. 

But Richie? He’d never forget. If he could help it, he’d remember as long as he could, will the memory of Eddie stay in his mind. 

He’d recarve their initials in the bridge, he’d pack Eddie’s stuff away for him back at the townhouse, he’d do everything in his power to keep Eddie as close as possible, for as long as possible. 

.

Richie picked up his phone from its place on the bedside table and unlocked it. 

He took a moment to stare at his background; A picture of the carving he had made in the soft wood of the kissing bridge all those years ago. Some days, if he looked hard enough, he could see a light carving a couple feet from his own, barely on screen, of a lopsided heart surrounding a capital R. 

Sometimes he liked to believe Eddie had carved it himself, the lopsided portion being that way from the csat Eddie had sported the summer.

Richie tapped on the phone icon in the lower corner, scrolling until he came across the most familiar contact. 

It was the one he used everyday, the one he would use every day going forward, and one he would always treasure the most. 

He clicked on the name and waited until his phone started ringing. 

It always happened like this, he would call, he would never get an answer, because the number that would get the call had been long unusable, buried somewhere underneath the small town of Derry, Maine. But he would always leave a voicemail. 

It’s how it’s happened everyday for that past three years since the incident. 

He waited patiently for the call to ring out and eagerly tapped on the voicemail button. 

Once he heard the beep, he smiled. 

“Hey Eds, happy early birthday, only a few more days to go!” He paused, looking at the wall callender and sure enough, there was the little circled date. He had circled it on all his calendars, highlighted it on his phone, made sure to set reminders a week in advance so he wouldn’t forget to buy Eddie a gift. 

He had already bought the one for this year, it had been sitting in the hall closet with all the others for a few days. 

Eddie never liked getting gifts as a kid, but Richie had always made sure to get him one anyways. He would pass it off as just wanting to annoy the other boy, but really, Richie loved spoiling Eddie, loved seeing the boy try to hide his excitement when he saw the new comic book Richie bought for him that one year. 

“I got you a gift, of course. I know you complain, but I know you love it. I’ll tell you more tomorrow, see if you can guess what it is.” 

He knew, deep down, he wouldn’t get an answer, but it didn’t change anything. He wouldn't give up on him. 

“I have to go, I’ve actually got a meeting in an hour, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Bye Eddie,” 

He paused before deciding what he would say next. 

“I love you.” He did. 

And he always would. 

**Author's Note:**

> Did anyone else notice how when Richie came out of the deadlights, he probably thought Eddie kissed him, because it's what Ben did to Beverly? Because I think about that daily, so here you go, that's what he thought in this Fic! 
> 
> Because I can only write angst for the clown movie. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
